嫁と姑わかりあえない理由ベスト１０　Top 10 Reasons Why Wives and Mother-in-Laws Don’t Understand Each Other

第10位：ジェネレーションギャップ　No. 10: Generation Gap

ジェネレーションギャップとは、異なる世代間で生じる価値観や文化、行動の違いを指します。これによってコミュニケーションや理解にズレが生じることがあります。
例えば、昭和世代が固定電話を使うことに慣れている一方で、平成世代やZ世代はスマートフォンやLINEなどのデジタルツールを日常的に使いこなしているため、電話対応やコミュニケーションスタイルに違いが見られます。
また昭和世代の価値観は年功序列が当然とされていて、集団主義が強い傾向にあります。平成世代やZ世代は自由や多様性を尊重し、個人主義が強い傾向にあります。この人間関係の穴を埋めるには、相互理解が必要です。相手の立場に立って物事をとらえることができれば少しづつ理解が深まるでしょう。Generation gap refers to the differences in values, culture, and behavior that occur between different generations. This can cause gaps in communication and understanding.
For example, while the Showa generation is accustomed to using landlines, the Heisei and Gen Z generations use digital tools such as smartphones and LINE on a daily basis, and thus show differences in telephone response and communication styles.
In addition, the Showa generation’s values tend to be more collectivist, with seniority being taken for granted. The Heisei and Generation Z generations value freedom and diversity, and tend to be more individualistic. Mutual understanding is necessary to fill this hole in the relationship. If we can put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and see things from their perspective, we will understand each other a little better.

第9位：生活リズムの違い　No. 9: Differences in lifestyle rhythms

よく歳を重ねると朝早起きする人がいます。それには理由があり、人は年を取るにつれて深く眠ることが少なくなります。すると睡眠が浅くなり朝の早起きがしやすくなる一方で、若者は深い眠りが多く夜間の中途覚醒が少ないので朝の早起きが苦手な傾向にあります。もちろん例外もあります。朝早く起きる姑にとって夜型の嫁は朝早く起きることが苦手で、姑にはだらけているように見えます。また仕事をしている嫁にとって夜中は大切な自分の時間です。このようなことが起こらないようお互いの時間を尊重するほうがいい関係を築けそうですね。People often wake up earlier in the morning as they get older. There is a reason for this: as people get older, they sleep less deeply. This makes it easier to get up early in the morning because they sleep less, while young people tend to sleep more deeply and wake up less in the middle of the night, making it harder for them to get up early in the morning. There are exceptions, of course. For a mother-in-law who gets up early in the morning, a nighttime wife is not good at getting up early in the morning and appears to be sloppy to her mother-in-law. Also, for a wife who works, the middle of the night is an important time for herself. It would be better to respect each other’s time to avoid such a situation.

第8位：距離感の問題　No. 8: Distance issues

なぜ私の心の中に土足で踏み込むのか？仲の悪い嫁姑の間には距離感がつかめていないことが多いんです。これは心理学でパーソナルスペースといって他人との間に保ちたいと感じる心理的な距離のことを言います。それは物理的な距離よりも精神的な距離の方が不快に感じるでしょう。嫁は自分たちのやり方で子育てや結婚生活を育んでいきたいのに対し、姑は文句ばかり言います。姑は世話を焼きたいので頑張っているつもりが裏目に出てしまいます。なので、お互いに何か行う場合はその前に尋ねるのが無難だといえます。Why are you stepping into my heart with your feet in the dirt? I often don’t get the sense of distance between a wife and mother-in-law who don’t get along. This is called personal space in psychology, which is the psychological distance we feel we want to maintain between others. It is the mental distance that you would feel more uncomfortable with than the physical distance. Wives want to raise their children and nurture their marriage in their own way, whereas mother-in-laws complain all the time. The mother-in-law wants to be taken care of and thinks she is doing her best, but it backfires. Therefore, it is safe to ask before you do anything to each other.

第7位：人と比べる姑　No. 7: Mother-in-law who compares herself to others

姑は嫁よりも長く生きている分経験も豊富です。もちろん女性を見る目も肥えているといえます。仮に姑が理想の女性を嫁に照らし合わせてしまった場合、嫁の期待値は上がります。がしかし、そうでなかった場合、それは愚痴になる可能性が高いと言えます。「あの人だったらよかったのに…。」と過去に固執しては姑は嫁と上手く関係性を築けません。相手の短所を見ずに長所を見てあげるとお互いの好感度が上がるでしょう。例えば、嫁は仕事もしていて子育てもしている。大変なのにどちらもこなせていてなんて素晴らしい人なんだろう。そしてまた専業主婦をしている人は、なんて子供思いの母親なんだろう。子供がいない人は今どきのキャリアウーマンは社会的自立ができて素晴らしい。などと今その人が頑張ってることにフォーカスをすれば長所が見えてきますね。The mother-in-law has lived longer than the daughter-in-law and has more experience. Of course, they have a discerning eye for women. If the mother-in-law compares her ideal woman with her daughter-in-law, the expectations of the daughter-in-law will increase. But if not, it is likely to be a complaint. “I wish it had been her…” If the mother-in-law is stuck in the past, she will not be able to build a good relationship with her daughter-in-law.If you look at the strengths of the other person without looking at their weaknesses, you will increase the likelihood of a mutual liking. For example,The wife works and raises our children. What a wonderful person she is to be able to do both despite the hard work. And what a child-oriented mother she is if she is a full-time housewife. For those who don’t have children, today’s career women are wonderful for their social independence. If we focus on what the person is doing now, we can see their strengths.

第6位：夫の態度の違い　No. 6: Differences in husbands’ attitudes

嫁は夫に「なぜ私の味方ではなく、あなたの母の味方をするのか？」夫は答えます。「私の母親なんだから当たり前だろ？」嫁は正直、気分がよくありません。それは愛の重さの違いですか？夫の理解力のなさですか？これはどちらも間違いです。母とは人類で最も尊重すべき存在であり、母なくして子供はいません。そして愛する夫を生んでくれたことに感謝ができれば愛を確かめる必要もなくなります。私たちは気付かないうちに愛されていたと感じるはずです。The wife asked her husband, “Why do you take your mother’s side instead of mine?” The husband replies. ‘Because she is my mother, isn’t it obvious?’ The wife honestly does not feel good. Is that a difference in the weight of love? Is it the husband’s lack of understanding? Both of these are wrong. A mother is the most respected being in humanity, and without her there would be no children. And if we can be grateful to our loving husbands for giving birth to us, we will not need to confirm our love. We will feel loved without realizing it.

第5位：排他感 No. 5: Sense of exclusivity

「排他感」とは、自分が集団や社会から除外されていると感じることを意味します。これは、仲間外れにされる、意見が受け入れられない、特定のグループに入れないなどの状況で生じることが多いです。これは当事者にしかわからないことが多いので理解されないことが多いです。なぜか嫁は被害者意識が強くなり、姑に排他されていると感じやすいです。なぜか態度が他の人とは違う、言葉遣いが違う、見方が違う、無視されている気がするなど、色々な原因が複雑に絡み合います。これは思い過ごしではないのかと考えたいのですが、事実がほとんどです。嫁は見えないストレスが原因となって最悪の場合、離婚や別居、不仲の原因になります。むしろ姑にとって嫁は、もともと赤の他人です。仲良くなることの方が難しいのです。見方を変えれば、昨日の敵は今日の味方になる可能性もあるので、誠実な振る舞いと、言葉で感謝を伝えることによって仲間意識が芽生え、いつかは最高のチームになるときも来るのではないでしょうか？A “sense of exclusion” means feeling that one is excluded from a group or society. This often occurs in situations such as being excluded from one’s peer group, not being accepted for one’s opinions, or not being included in a particular group. This is often not understood because it is often only understood by those involved. For some reason, the wife is more likely to feel victimized and excluded by the mother-in-law. For some reason, her attitude is different from others, her language is different, she sees things differently, she feels ignored, and many other causes are involved in this complex situation. It is tempting to think that this is just an imagination, but it is most likely true. A wife can be the cause of unseen stress, which can lead to divorce, separation, or disagreement in the worst case scenario. Rather, to the mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law is a stranger by nature. It is more difficult to get along with them. From a different perspective, yesterday’s enemy can become today’s friend, so by behaving with integrity and expressing gratitude with words, a sense of camaraderie will develop, and one day, there will come a time when we will be the best team ever.

第4位：押しつけがましい No. 4: Intrusive person

よくある問題に、姑が嫁を将棋の駒のように使うと聞いたことがあります。嫁の意思を考えずに何でも物事を押し付けてくる。つまり自分の従業員であるかのように命令したり、時には嫁に無理をさせてしまったりです。将棋は王を守るためにその他の駒は使用されます。それは自分が使われていると捉えるか、自分は優秀だから王を守るに値する存在と捉えるかは自分次第です。つまり気持ち次第では、頼りにされているから何でも言ってくるんだ。と前向きに捉えるのが得策でしょう。それでも無理なお願いをされたら、一緒にそれをしましょう。コミュニケーションを図るのもよいです。心理学における「ミラーリング」とは、相手の動作や言葉を自然に模倣することで、親近感や信頼感を高めコミュニケーション技法です。例えば、会話中に相手が腕を組んだら自分も腕を組む、相手の話すスピードや声のトーンを合わせるなどの行動です。但し、ネガティブな「ミラーリング」はあまりおすすめできません。I have heard that a common problem is that mother-in-laws use their wives like pawns in a chess game. They impose everything and anything on the wife without considering her wishes. In other words, they give orders as if they are their own employees, or sometimes they force their wives to do things. In chess, other pieces are used to protect the king. It is up to you whether you see yourself as being used or whether you see yourself as being worthy of protecting the king because you are good. In other words, depending on how you feel, they will say anything to you because they are relay on you. It would be beneficial to see it in a positive light. If they still ask you to do something unreasonable, do it with them. It is also a good idea to communicate with them. “Mirroring” in psychology is a communication technique that increases familiarity and trust by naturally imitating the actions and words of the other person. For example, if the other person crosses his or her arms during a conversation, cross your arms too, or match the other person’s speaking speed or tone of voice. However, negative “mirroring” is not recommended.

第3位：育児への干渉 No. 3: Interference with child care

今日では育児の質も上がっており、たくさんの情報で溢れています。前の世代の育児の仕方は時代遅れ。昔はおんぶしていた。夫が仕事で育児をできないのが当たり前。姑の時代の育児を嫁の子供にそのまま行うと嫁は怒ります。おむつ替えからミルクのあげ方、遊ばせ方、食べ物の与え方など多岐にわたります。各家庭それぞれのやり方があるので、それを尊重しなくてはなりません。姑は孫が喜ぶからと言って、お菓子を必要以上に与えたり、おもちゃを与えすぎたりすると、嫁はルールを壊されたと思い孫との接触を極端に少なくするか、姑に対して嫌悪感を持ちます。一番いいのは愛情です。愛情はいくら与えてもいいものです。一緒に散歩したり、遊んだり、本を読んだり。育児に関しては母の意見を大切にしたいですね。Today, the quality of child care has improved and is filled with lots of information. The way previous generations raised their children is outdated. In the old days, we used to carry our children on our backs. It is normal that husbands cannot take care of children bec ause of work. Wives get angry when their mother-in-laws raise their children the way they did in their mother-in-laws’ time. There is a wide range of child-rearing methods, from changing diapers to feeding milk, letting children play, giving them food, and so on. Each family has its own way of doing things, and we must respect that. If a mother-in-law gives her grandchildren more sweets than necessary or too many toys because they make her grandchildren happy, the daughter-in-law will think that she has broken the rules and will either reduce her contact with her grandchildren to a very small extent or will feel dislike toward her mother-in-law. The best thing is affection. You can give affection as much as you want. Take a walk with them, play with them, read books with them. I would value my mother’s opinion on childcare.

第2位：プライバシーを尊重しない No. 2: No respect for privacy

家や寝室に無断で入る。金銭面や収入について聞いてくる。嫁の趣味や行動などを他人に話す。など個人的に嫌だなと思うことです。こういったことは実は気付かないでやっていることが多いです。１０年前、２０年前と過去と比べて今はプライバシーが守られることが多くなっています。それだけ犯罪も多いからです。実際に日本では郵便物や宅配のラベルから情報を容易に入手できます。もちろんSNSなどでは個人情報の宝庫です。どこから情報漏洩するかわからない時代なのです。写真を撮るにしても許可を経てから撮るほうが無難と言えます。お互いに言えることですが、後に我慢の限界が来ないように配慮しておくといいですね。Entering the house or bedroom unannounced. Asking about finances and income. Talking to others about wife’s hobbies, activities, etc. These are the things that I personally don’t like. These things are often done without even realizing it, and nowadays, compared to 10 or 20 years ago, privacy is much more protected. This is because there is so much more crime. In fact, in Japan, information can be easily obtained from mail and delivery labels. Of course, there is a treasure trove of personal information on social networking sites. We live in an age where you never know where information leaks can come from. It is safer to take pictures only after obtaining permission. As we can say to each other, it is better to be considerate so as not to lose patience later on.

第1位：子離れできない姑 No. 1: A mother-in-law who cannot let go of her children

最後はやはり子離れできない姑です。息子が親離れしていることはよくありますが、逆は難しいものです。いくら歳を重ねても自分の子供は子供です。ただ、あからさまに息子を優先する態度をとることは嫁がストレスを感じる原因になります。息子にばかりプレゼントを渡すのに嫁には何もなかったり。孫を可愛がるのは息子の子供であるから。例えば家族みんなで食事をするときは必ず息子の大好物を優先する。そして嫁の前で息子の自慢ばかりする。それにも関わらず姑は、嫁を褒める努力は全くしない。このあからさまな態度が嫁と姑の仲を悪くさせるでしょう。At the end of the day, it is still the mother-in-law who cannot let go of her children. It is often the case that a son is separated from his parents, but the opposite is difficult. No matter how old they get, their own children are still children. However, an attitude that overtly prioritizes the son can cause stress to the daughter-in-law. For example, giving gifts only to the son but nothing to the daughter-in-law. She loves her grandchildren because they are her son’s children. For example, when the family eats together, they always give priority to their son’s favorite food. And she always brags about her son in front of her daughter-in-law. Nevertheless, the mother-in-law makes no effort to praise her daughter-in-law. This blatant attitude will make the wife and mother-in-law get along badly.

さいごに in the end

これらの問題を解決するためには、自分も相手も尊重しながら、率直に自己主張をすることが大切です。具体的には、感情的ではなく、論理的に自分の意見を適切に伝える。また、相手の立場を考慮しながら一方的ではなく相手の意見も尊重する。そして一番大切なのは対等であるということです。つまり上下関係ではなく同じ立場で尊重し合う姿勢をもつことです。それが難しいから対立してしまうんですけどね。もし対立が続くようなら物理的な距離をとることが案外簡単な解決策になるかもしれませんね。To resolve these issues, it is important to be frank and assertive while respecting both yourself and the other party. Specifically, communicate your opinions appropriately, logically, not emotionally. Also, respect the other party’s opinion, not one-sidedly, while considering the other party’s position. And the most important thing is to be equal. In other words, have an attitude of respect for each other from the same standpoint, not a hierarchical relationship. It is difficult to do so, which is why we end up in conflict. If the conflict persists, a physical distance may be an easier solution than you think.

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